This Warrior Mom is Moving Mountains -- and Clinging to HOPE in the Battle

 

 Be prepared for an over-share folks. Look away if that works best for you. :-)

Life has been really tough for a while now. Between trying to walk through the process of our eldest child (for which I remain grateful and so proud of the many life lessons, he now has under his proverbial belt!), the many diagnosis of the patient (we're working to get him to agree to a group home situation - Oliver and I have to accept there's only so much we can do, especially when the patient isn't capable of getting out of his own way) and then Sutton's illness and subsequent diagnosis. Everything is a push.

A new friend shared this article. It left me in a puddle. Breakdown is good though. It's how we increase our ability to improve. While reading, I had an epiphany. Yes, I am that parent. Yes, I am that person. I was raised to PUSH. I've always pushed! When mom became ill - I fought every doctor through misdiagnosis and for her to receive the best care. I pushed and ran a business, worked an additional job (30 hours a week), was pregnant through this and had our first child with very little support (he was born five weeks after mom passed), dealt with the patient (he was a challenge, even then) and took on my dad's challenges. When she passed and we inherited all the responsibility of my dad, I fought for and with him and his many issues. When our eldest child entered the first grade, the required push increased. I fought for him, loudly and with unwavering tenacity. When diagnosed with a laundry list of challenges two years later, I fought louder and harder. I never stepped down during any of this. When dad passed away, there was a relief I'd have to fight, less. A couple of years later, when another child was diagnosed as being on the spectrum, I fought again. I didn't like being in my own skin, as every moment of life, felt like an argument. Then, I found a way to stop most of the fighting. We removed all of our children from conventional classrooms and began to educate them at home.

Gone were the arguments, confrontations and feelings of hopelessness. No one would challenge food allergies that obviously impacted some of our children. No one would ever say again (at least with any authority!), that our child was the result of our not being spankers/punishers. No one would mock our method of discussion per consequences and personal integrity. No one would challenge the need for specific structure in some areas, as well as the need for lack of structure in others. No one would limit what our children wished to learn, the rate of learning, etc. I read and researched and read some more! I sought out those with far more experience than myself. I listened and learned! I pushed, but in a positive way! The buck now stopped HERE.

But now, we're tossed back into the same situation of having to push and fight. Ya'll were with us through the nightmare of ER visits and medical neglect. We owe Sutton's life to the Ponzini-Chungs - without them, who knows to what greater damage, Sutton may have been subjected. I am now back in PUSH/FIGHT mode and it's conjuring so many emotions. Pushing is necessary. Pushing is required. Somehow, I have to call on my previous warrior spirit and remember how to be the whole of who, once upon a time, I had to be. The problem is, I didn't like her. Now, I have to find a way to be a better version of who she was. She moved mountains! Certainly there must be a way to balance it all and not feel like I'm gloved and ready to pulverize the world.

Please continue to keep all of us in your positive thoughts and prayers, as we navigate life.

~ Contributed by Rachel S.